When last I posted, I'd lost two pounds, and then I lost another three. Booyeah! And then, strangely, I gained all five back. That was quite the mystery because I hadn't done anything different. And me being me, of course my first thought was, "Well, if I"m going to just gain it back while I'm eating healthy, what's the point?"
And then I realized something. It was one of those, you're in the shower feeling sorry about yourself and lamenting your life and suddenly you understand what you wish you understood a long time ago moments.
It's not about what I weigh.
Hmm? What? What is this odd thing I'm saying? How can it not be about what I weigh?
It's about being healthy.
Ah. Okay. Now that make sense.
When I gained the five pounds back, I'd been eating tons of great salads, getting my protein, getting my water - I was doing the things I knew my body needed to be healthy. I don't know why the five pounds came back, but I could honestly say that I'd been making good choices.
Isn't that what it's all about?
I think a major lesson I need to learn is listening to my body and not my emotions. If my body feels like I'm making healthy choices, I should feel good about myself, even if my emotions are unhappy that the scale did a back flip. While my emotions want to take the scale out back and shoot it, my body can be proud of me for reducing my carbs and drinking enough water.
It's going to be a journey, listening to my body and not my emotions. It's a journey I'll document here, and hopefully my struggles and successes and ups and downs will help and inspire you, if for no other purpose than to show you that you're not alone. None of us are.
So, as to how I'm doing today - I'm eating healthy, for the most part. The other day I felt a huge shift in my universe and I started getting dizzy - it was like looking through the eye doctor's machine where he flips all the lenses. I sent my husband to get me some cookies, and they helped. (I don't recommend cookies all the time - but I was listening to my body and it needed sugar.) So I wasn't 100% there for a couple of days (until the cookies ran out). But now I'm back on my salads and protein and looking at healthy balances. I haven't weighed in for a few days and probably won't - I'm happier when the scale isn't a constant part of my life.
Overall, I'm really feeling good about my choices. I'm feeling positive about my changes. I'm excited to see what my body says it wants next - it is kind of a grand adventure. And I'm glad you're taking it with me.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Monday, May 12, 2014
A New Week
When I posted last week, my intention was to hold off on weighing until I felt I'd made a little bit of progress so I wouldn't depress myself too badly. But then I decided that it was better to know for sure, so I went ahead and weighed. It was a little more than I thought, but not shockingly so.
Then I made a series of conscious decisions. Starting on Wednesday afternoon, I've had no grain (which I've indicated for my personal body is bad for weight) and no sugar. Yesterday I did have about fifteen M & Ms from one of those little fun packs that my son gave me for Mother's Day, and you know, I have to say I liked eating healthy and then consciously choosing to have a small treat. I've been drinking lots of water, and I've been eating lots of vegetables.
And I've lost two pounds. Hooray!
This week, I'm going to keep that up, and I'm also going to eat a little more. I feel like I'm not getting quite enough in there. Part of it's going to be looking for new recipes, because veggies can get boring if you don't have ideas. It's just a matter of looking for them because they really are everywhere.
One thing that's helpful is that my local grocery store sells these pre-packaged salads that are only $3.18, and they are totally full of veggies. They're really good-sized - I'm pretty full by the time I'm done with one, and I'm not even sure I could make one myself for cheaper. So I've picked up a few of those over the last couple of days and will get more today. For me, convenience is key. I think that's been one of my biggest downfalls.
Right now I have some squash in the oven - squashes and yams/sweet potatoes help me feel full.
And that's my update. :) Thanks for hearing me out and cheering me on - you guys are the best!
Then I made a series of conscious decisions. Starting on Wednesday afternoon, I've had no grain (which I've indicated for my personal body is bad for weight) and no sugar. Yesterday I did have about fifteen M & Ms from one of those little fun packs that my son gave me for Mother's Day, and you know, I have to say I liked eating healthy and then consciously choosing to have a small treat. I've been drinking lots of water, and I've been eating lots of vegetables.
And I've lost two pounds. Hooray!
This week, I'm going to keep that up, and I'm also going to eat a little more. I feel like I'm not getting quite enough in there. Part of it's going to be looking for new recipes, because veggies can get boring if you don't have ideas. It's just a matter of looking for them because they really are everywhere.
One thing that's helpful is that my local grocery store sells these pre-packaged salads that are only $3.18, and they are totally full of veggies. They're really good-sized - I'm pretty full by the time I'm done with one, and I'm not even sure I could make one myself for cheaper. So I've picked up a few of those over the last couple of days and will get more today. For me, convenience is key. I think that's been one of my biggest downfalls.
Right now I have some squash in the oven - squashes and yams/sweet potatoes help me feel full.
And that's my update. :) Thanks for hearing me out and cheering me on - you guys are the best!
Thursday, May 8, 2014
A Moment of Total Transparency
So, you all know my story - weighed 300 pounds, found a great doctor who put me on the diet that finally answered my weight-loss questions, lost 88 pounds and basically looked smokin' hot. I still had a ways to go, but dang, I was workin' it.
And then things happened. A long series of things. I broke my foot, and because I couldn't stand on one foot and cook my healthy meals from scratch, my husband got me some prepackaged food that I could make from my wheelchair. That's when it all started, when I started making excuses. Excuse after excuse later, here I am, having gained back half the weight I lost.
And I'm ashamed of myself for it.
At a writers conference about a year and a half ago, a woman came up to me and said, "Well, you still look good," like she'd expected that I'd lose all that weight and then gain it back. At the time, I was peeved. And now, I have to shake my head and admit that she was right.
Why? Why did I gain so much of it back when I'd been so excited to lose it in the first place? I'd been looking for my answer for years and when I finally found it, I should have clung on to it and loved it and been faithful to it forever. But I didn't. Why?
I've been thinking about this a lot. A whole lot. I've been trying to figure it out because I'm not happy with myself. I feel like a failure - yes, like a big fat failure. I had all the answers, I was able to inspire others, and did I mention that I looked smokin' hot - and yet I dropped the ball. Why? Why would I sabotage myself like that?
We'll start with the easy answers first. For starters, this diet that worked so many miracles for me is really hard to maintain. It's a no-grain, no-sugar, high-protein, high-vegetable diet, and when you love food as much as I do, it's hard to be strict. And yet, my body has to be strict in order to lose weight. That was the key I was missing for so many years. When you eat this way, you're hungry all the time because you metabolize so fast, and so therefore, you're cooking all the time because no prepared foods match the requirements of the diet.
Second was the fact that I was doing it for the wrong reasons. My doctor had literally saved my son's life, so I felt that I owed it to him to lose this weight, which he wanted me to do. It's kind of a crazy way of looking at it - my doctor wanted me to lose weight for my own health, and yet I thought I was thanking him by losing weight. That's a codependent mindset, by the way, which is another issue I'm working on. But anyway, I didn't lose the weight for me. I lost it for him.
Last fall, I had a miscarriage. I was only a month along, but it was deeply, deeply disappointing because my husband and I wanted that child so badly. All four of our kids were so excited to welcome another little Pinkston into the clan. But something wasn't right from the very start - I started having Braxton Hicks almost as soon as I conceived and I put myself on bed rest, and then I miscarried. If the baby had been healthy, I would have carried it to term - I wasn't overdoing it in any way. It just wasn't meant to be. But that didn't make it hurt less.
After the miscarriage, I told my doctor I needed a break. I was so tired of trying to get the weight back off and be good and please everyone - I just had to step back and think about myself. He readily agreed, and for the last six months, I've pretty much done my own thing without thinking about dieting or exercise or any of it. I've allowed myself to grieve the loss of the baby, although it's not something that has a definite end, and I'm coming to some conclusions about myself and my life that are really important.
Some of them I won't share here because they're too personal or might involve others. But I will share that because food has always meant security to me, restricting my food makes me panic. I feel better when my rules and regulations are a little looser, and then I can choose for myself how strictly I want to live. Additionally, food means comfort, as it does for many other people. When I'm sad or upset, if there isn't something "good" to eat, again, I start to panic, like I won't be able to control my feelings.
I had an important realization the other night. I was watching Star Trek: Into Darkness, the scene where Spock is explaining to Uhura that Vulcans do have feelings - their feelings are so deep and so overwhelming that they must make the choice to bury them or they'll be consumed. This is exactly how I feel. I'm such an emotional person that if I don't keep a tight, tight lid on every feeling, I feel like I'm going to spin out of control. And I've been doing it for so long that I don't know how to stop.
To a person who doesn't have food issues, this probably sounds goofy. But it's actually pretty common. There are many, many people who can't feel emotional wellness without food. They either don't have the tools to do it or it's so encoded in them from their pasts that they, like me, panic. When I was living the diet before, I was analyzing everything I ate, feeling guilty if I "cheated", felt panic if there wasn't something healthy immediately available, and basically drove myself crazy. I looked awesome, but internally, I was a mess. This wasn't my doctor's fault at all - this was me being codependent and emotionally addicted to food for my sanity.
To go back to a previous point, I was also using the wrong motivation. I was losing weight to please my doctor, and then I decided that I should lose weight to have a healthier baby. When I lost the baby, it felt like, "So I did all that for nothing." I didn't have the motivation anymore. If I'm going to miscarry while I'm eating healthy, why eat healthy? I just haven't had my head on right, and then I felt resentful of everyone who wanted me to lose weight.
You've seen me post a lot of "I"m getting back in the saddle" types of posts. Each time, I thought I'd figured it out, that I had the secret, that I was now going to be "good" again. And each time, I was wrong because my emotions were in charge, and not my brain. I wanted my brain to be in charge, but when your emotions are so strong, so overwhelming, they will control you no matter what you do.
Today is different. Today is different because I'm not saying "I'm back in the saddle" or making any promises whatsoever. Today I'm learning how to decide for myself how to approach this. I'm going back on the diet because I know it's right for my body, but I need to figure out how to make it work for me emotionally. I need to honor who I am and what I've been through without allowing the opinions of others to sway me.
And I need to find a new motivation, one that is based solely on me. If I do it for my doctor, I resent my doctor. If I do it for a pregnancy, I resent the pregnancy. I can only do it for me, according to what my soul is telling me, and it's telling me that I want to feel good about myself again. I loved putting on those size large clothes after wearing a 3X for so long. I loved watching people's eyes bug out of their heads when they saw how awesome I looked, and I appreciated how I was treated as more of a professional because no one was getting hung up on how fat I was. I could just be me and do what I needed to do.
So there you have it, where I'm coming from right now. I've been eating a baked yam and drinking lemon water while I wrote this, two very healthy choices, and I feel good about them. Later I might grab some chocolate - I don't know. My task is to find my balance, the one that makes me happy physically and emotionally. The one that tells me I can do this.
I want to thank all of you for cheering me on during this process. I had no idea what a journey of self-discovery it was going to become. I've had to face some dark inner demons and issues from my past, and it's been difficult to look at them square in the face. But it's part of healing. It's part of what I need to do.
I realized this morning that for many of us, the body's outward appearance reflects the soul's inner condition. I'm working on my soul, and that will translate into the health of my body. One step at a time. And this time, I'm doing it for the right reasons.
And then things happened. A long series of things. I broke my foot, and because I couldn't stand on one foot and cook my healthy meals from scratch, my husband got me some prepackaged food that I could make from my wheelchair. That's when it all started, when I started making excuses. Excuse after excuse later, here I am, having gained back half the weight I lost.
And I'm ashamed of myself for it.
At a writers conference about a year and a half ago, a woman came up to me and said, "Well, you still look good," like she'd expected that I'd lose all that weight and then gain it back. At the time, I was peeved. And now, I have to shake my head and admit that she was right.
Why? Why did I gain so much of it back when I'd been so excited to lose it in the first place? I'd been looking for my answer for years and when I finally found it, I should have clung on to it and loved it and been faithful to it forever. But I didn't. Why?
I've been thinking about this a lot. A whole lot. I've been trying to figure it out because I'm not happy with myself. I feel like a failure - yes, like a big fat failure. I had all the answers, I was able to inspire others, and did I mention that I looked smokin' hot - and yet I dropped the ball. Why? Why would I sabotage myself like that?
We'll start with the easy answers first. For starters, this diet that worked so many miracles for me is really hard to maintain. It's a no-grain, no-sugar, high-protein, high-vegetable diet, and when you love food as much as I do, it's hard to be strict. And yet, my body has to be strict in order to lose weight. That was the key I was missing for so many years. When you eat this way, you're hungry all the time because you metabolize so fast, and so therefore, you're cooking all the time because no prepared foods match the requirements of the diet.
Second was the fact that I was doing it for the wrong reasons. My doctor had literally saved my son's life, so I felt that I owed it to him to lose this weight, which he wanted me to do. It's kind of a crazy way of looking at it - my doctor wanted me to lose weight for my own health, and yet I thought I was thanking him by losing weight. That's a codependent mindset, by the way, which is another issue I'm working on. But anyway, I didn't lose the weight for me. I lost it for him.
Last fall, I had a miscarriage. I was only a month along, but it was deeply, deeply disappointing because my husband and I wanted that child so badly. All four of our kids were so excited to welcome another little Pinkston into the clan. But something wasn't right from the very start - I started having Braxton Hicks almost as soon as I conceived and I put myself on bed rest, and then I miscarried. If the baby had been healthy, I would have carried it to term - I wasn't overdoing it in any way. It just wasn't meant to be. But that didn't make it hurt less.
After the miscarriage, I told my doctor I needed a break. I was so tired of trying to get the weight back off and be good and please everyone - I just had to step back and think about myself. He readily agreed, and for the last six months, I've pretty much done my own thing without thinking about dieting or exercise or any of it. I've allowed myself to grieve the loss of the baby, although it's not something that has a definite end, and I'm coming to some conclusions about myself and my life that are really important.
Some of them I won't share here because they're too personal or might involve others. But I will share that because food has always meant security to me, restricting my food makes me panic. I feel better when my rules and regulations are a little looser, and then I can choose for myself how strictly I want to live. Additionally, food means comfort, as it does for many other people. When I'm sad or upset, if there isn't something "good" to eat, again, I start to panic, like I won't be able to control my feelings.
I had an important realization the other night. I was watching Star Trek: Into Darkness, the scene where Spock is explaining to Uhura that Vulcans do have feelings - their feelings are so deep and so overwhelming that they must make the choice to bury them or they'll be consumed. This is exactly how I feel. I'm such an emotional person that if I don't keep a tight, tight lid on every feeling, I feel like I'm going to spin out of control. And I've been doing it for so long that I don't know how to stop.
To a person who doesn't have food issues, this probably sounds goofy. But it's actually pretty common. There are many, many people who can't feel emotional wellness without food. They either don't have the tools to do it or it's so encoded in them from their pasts that they, like me, panic. When I was living the diet before, I was analyzing everything I ate, feeling guilty if I "cheated", felt panic if there wasn't something healthy immediately available, and basically drove myself crazy. I looked awesome, but internally, I was a mess. This wasn't my doctor's fault at all - this was me being codependent and emotionally addicted to food for my sanity.
To go back to a previous point, I was also using the wrong motivation. I was losing weight to please my doctor, and then I decided that I should lose weight to have a healthier baby. When I lost the baby, it felt like, "So I did all that for nothing." I didn't have the motivation anymore. If I'm going to miscarry while I'm eating healthy, why eat healthy? I just haven't had my head on right, and then I felt resentful of everyone who wanted me to lose weight.
You've seen me post a lot of "I"m getting back in the saddle" types of posts. Each time, I thought I'd figured it out, that I had the secret, that I was now going to be "good" again. And each time, I was wrong because my emotions were in charge, and not my brain. I wanted my brain to be in charge, but when your emotions are so strong, so overwhelming, they will control you no matter what you do.
Today is different. Today is different because I'm not saying "I'm back in the saddle" or making any promises whatsoever. Today I'm learning how to decide for myself how to approach this. I'm going back on the diet because I know it's right for my body, but I need to figure out how to make it work for me emotionally. I need to honor who I am and what I've been through without allowing the opinions of others to sway me.
And I need to find a new motivation, one that is based solely on me. If I do it for my doctor, I resent my doctor. If I do it for a pregnancy, I resent the pregnancy. I can only do it for me, according to what my soul is telling me, and it's telling me that I want to feel good about myself again. I loved putting on those size large clothes after wearing a 3X for so long. I loved watching people's eyes bug out of their heads when they saw how awesome I looked, and I appreciated how I was treated as more of a professional because no one was getting hung up on how fat I was. I could just be me and do what I needed to do.
So there you have it, where I'm coming from right now. I've been eating a baked yam and drinking lemon water while I wrote this, two very healthy choices, and I feel good about them. Later I might grab some chocolate - I don't know. My task is to find my balance, the one that makes me happy physically and emotionally. The one that tells me I can do this.
I want to thank all of you for cheering me on during this process. I had no idea what a journey of self-discovery it was going to become. I've had to face some dark inner demons and issues from my past, and it's been difficult to look at them square in the face. But it's part of healing. It's part of what I need to do.
I realized this morning that for many of us, the body's outward appearance reflects the soul's inner condition. I'm working on my soul, and that will translate into the health of my body. One step at a time. And this time, I'm doing it for the right reasons.
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