Monday, June 21, 2010

Just Sayin' Hi

Hi everyone,

Well, it's been an interesting earth life experience for me lately. The car accident in March derailed ideas of exercise, and each time I've tried to resume a regime, I pull my psoas and oblique muscles too much, even when exercising gently. That said, I have to admit that hasn't made me too sad - exercising isn't my fav. What is making me sad is my weight.

Then my dad passed. He needed round the clock care for nine days before he died, and all my attention was shifted from me and my house to him and his. We scrabbled together a list of family who could come in and be with him, and between coordinating that, taking turns myself, and then sleeping it off when I got home, nothing about my own care was done during that time.

Since then, I've been battling extreme fatigue. It's been a combination of tiredness from caring for him and grief. We knew he was passing, but his final downturn happened so fast, it was a real shock how fast it went. I spent this time living on Cherry Coke and whatever I could grab on the run.

I have not been on a scale since the car accident. Fact is, I'm scared to get on. I know I've gained through the midsection, but I haven't had the ability to do much about it. I'm hoping that this week brings opportunity to correct my course, but I have no way of knowing at this point. Just making Father's Day dinner wore me completely out today, and I know I have a long way to go before I've built back up all the reserves I lost during Dad's final illness and the funeral.

I think something else I've been struggling with is that I've been having the thought, "Maybe I just need to accept the fact that I'm a fat woman and stop worrying about it." On the one hand, it seems so easy to just throw in the towel and stop trying. But on the other hand, I don't want to identify myself as "a fat woman." I don't feel fat on the inside. When I look in the mirror, I'm often surprised at how the way I look doesn't match up with how I feel. Physically, I feel fat, of course, but emotionally, I'm not. This has led to a lot of disconnect in the relationship I have with my body.

Nope, I'm not giving up. I've been very inspired by Lu Ann and her amazing success - she's lookin' smokin', and I want to try reducing my sugars and seeing if that is the key I've been missing. I'm hoping to get my brain working again so I can undertake a new project - seriously, I've been so wiped out, I haven't even done the bills yet, and we got paid on the 15th. We're going to have some late fees and I'm struggling to even care.

Thanks for your friendship, everyone, and for sharing this journey with me!


Sandra said...


It is so hard when life throws those curve balls that feel like lead balls, isn't it?
Try the sugar thing and see if that helps, I know it makes a huge difference for me and my family.

I have a lot of the same feelings as you are about the disconnect between what I see in the mirror and what I see in my mind's eye. I think we are seeing our spiritual selves when we do that.

Keep doing what you can, when you can and the rest will come.

Shanna Blythe said...


I've been hearing how rough things have been for you lately and I'm so sorry.

I'm also trying to make it a goal to reduce my sugar. Ack! I can't believe I'm actually saying that. I'm trying to get to the point where I cut out sugar--not honey--but sugars like candy, ice cream, desserts, etc out of my week except for one day. I think I can do that.

I've often wondered too about the whole, why not just deal with the weight I'm at and enjoy the foods that I enjoy and just not worry about it? The problem with that is every time I look in the mirror or get into a pair of pants that are slightly snug and a shirt that is slightly tight and I look down at myself and see those awful fat rolls, I just feel bad about myself.

So it isn't so much about getting skinny, it's about how good I can feel about myself. I have a friend who says, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels". I'm still debating the veracity of that statement!! I mean, sometimes I think I can deal with the diet--but that exercise thing . . . sheesh.

Also, it's about health. I want to be healthy now, so when I start getting OLD then I'll be able to handle the problems that come with old age better. Plus, it's about the now and health. So whenever you're feeling like you should just accept the fact that you're overweight, and not worry about it--well it's all about how good you can feel about yourself. That's what matters.

Don't forget! We're going out to celebrate as soon as you're below 200. It WILL happen!!

Marta O. Smith said...

Tristi, are you okay with just walking? I don't mean taking laps around the park. Can you walk from one end of the house to the other?

Years ago, after my dad had open heart surgery, part of his physical therapy was walking. First, he walked around the kitchen table. Then he worked up to a few times around the table. Then he went from his bedroom into the living room and back. Soon, he started walking from his house, about one block to the railroad tracks and back. Then he gradually increased his laps from the house to the tracks and back. He never went further, because I think he was worried that if he went too far he might not be able to get back. But eventually he recovered fully.

Just do what you can while you are still recovering. Don't push too much and set yourself back again. Just do a tiny bit more each time. You'll get there.

Tristi Pinkston said...

I can walk around, Marta - I've been doing my grocery shopping and the like, but anything concentrated and aerobic has been hard.