Well, it's been an interesting earth life experience for me lately. The car accident in March derailed ideas of exercise, and each time I've tried to resume a regime, I pull my psoas and oblique muscles too much, even when exercising gently. That said, I have to admit that hasn't made me too sad - exercising isn't my fav. What is making me sad is my weight.
Then my dad passed. He needed round the clock care for nine days before he died, and all my attention was shifted from me and my house to him and his. We scrabbled together a list of family who could come in and be with him, and between coordinating that, taking turns myself, and then sleeping it off when I got home, nothing about my own care was done during that time.
Since then, I've been battling extreme fatigue. It's been a combination of tiredness from caring for him and grief. We knew he was passing, but his final downturn happened so fast, it was a real shock how fast it went. I spent this time living on Cherry Coke and whatever I could grab on the run.
I have not been on a scale since the car accident. Fact is, I'm scared to get on. I know I've gained through the midsection, but I haven't had the ability to do much about it. I'm hoping that this week brings opportunity to correct my course, but I have no way of knowing at this point. Just making Father's Day dinner wore me completely out today, and I know I have a long way to go before I've built back up all the reserves I lost during Dad's final illness and the funeral.
I think something else I've been struggling with is that I've been having the thought, "Maybe I just need to accept the fact that I'm a fat woman and stop worrying about it." On the one hand, it seems so easy to just throw in the towel and stop trying. But on the other hand, I don't want to identify myself as "a fat woman." I don't feel fat on the inside. When I look in the mirror, I'm often surprised at how the way I look doesn't match up with how I feel. Physically, I feel fat, of course, but emotionally, I'm not. This has led to a lot of disconnect in the relationship I have with my body.
Nope, I'm not giving up. I've been very inspired by Lu Ann and her amazing success - she's lookin' smokin', and I want to try reducing my sugars and seeing if that is the key I've been missing. I'm hoping to get my brain working again so I can undertake a new project - seriously, I've been so wiped out, I haven't even done the bills yet, and we got paid on the 15th. We're going to have some late fees and I'm struggling to even care.
Thanks for your friendship, everyone, and for sharing this journey with me!