As you all know, I've had a ton of fits and starts on this journey of mine. I have awesome intentions, I know what steps I need to take, and then I peter out after about fifteen minutes. The reasons, in the past, have been these:
1. I am an emotional eater, and I don't know how to cope with my emotions except through eating. I don't have a tool that's stronger for me than food.
2. My body strength is such that I wear out very quickly, and so any kind of sustained exercise program is difficult for me.
3. I've struggled with making myself a priority.
Because of these factors, my weight loss has been a no-go. Because of key factors from my childhood, whenever I start to eat more healthy foods, I feel as though I'm depriving myself, and my alarm bells go off. I've also felt less-than-worthy to be beautiful and healthy.
Then add into the mix the year I've had:
1. Car accident - muscle damage, concussion, overall weakness
2. Passing of my father
3. Financial stress
I've been beating myself up for my lack of progress. I was all set to go when I realized how close I was to hitting 300 pounds, and then I hit a huge emotional wall and decided I didn't care if I weighed 300 pounds. To be honest, I might. I haven't weighed myself since. The depression just got me and I didn't fight it hard enough.
It wasn't until about two weeks ago that I realized something important - I still haven't recovered mentally or emotionally from the car wreck. This realization hit when I discovered that I broke the money. I've been paying the bills for our family since our marriage, and all of a sudden, we were getting calls from creditors telling us we hadn't paid. I handed the checkbook to my husband, and he couldn't make heads or tails of it. Whatever I've been writing down for the last few months, it's not English. On my next doctor visit, I asked, "Is it possible I'm still having concussion symptoms?" I told him what had been going on - my general inability to cope, my desire to get things done but not being able to, my inability to reason things out. "Yes," he said. "And it could take up to a year before you're fully recovered."
Wow, thanks, doctor. That's very comforting.
So in the meantime, my husband has taken over the money. And I've had to realize that life may be a little different for me for a while. I can still be creative, and I can still write and edit - the right side of my brain wasn't bothered in the crash, it was the left side that got the concussion. This explains why I can't do math, figure things out, or remember to do things. Thank goodness I can still write and can still work! But I need to be more patient with my coping ability. Fact is, coping is hard for me right now, and I need to just allow myself time to get over it. I can't make major life changes when I'm fundamentally off-balance.
All that said ... I'm trying something new.
Because the fundamentals are off-balance, I've just joined a team for a weight loss game. It starts on Thursday. Essentially, you get points for healthy eating, sleeping, water consumption, and exercise. You get time off without penalties, but you do get penalized for breaking the rules (eating candy, drinking soda, etc.) I'm going to give it a try and see how I do. If I can get these fundamentals down and make them a habit, I think I'll be a lot better off than trying to do it myself without daily reminders. It's my rememberer that's broken, so I need help in that department.
I'll check in and let you know how it goes, in addition to posting the rules.
And thanks for letting me ramble.