Sunday, November 8, 2009

Tristi Rambles

I'm sorry - it's time for another rambling Tristi blog. I don't set out to ramble - it just all sort of happens when I open my mouth - or in this case, sit down to blog. But that's why this blog was created - to give us all a place to vent.

First of all, I'm starting over again. I'm setting some new goals. I'm firming up my decisions. I am going to create a new me.

I've spent the last three months battling sinus infections, foot problems, headaches - you name it, I've probably had it. (Except morning sickness. For once in my life, I'm not pregnant. :) I have watched my body grow weaker with each illness. I have wondered if I even had what it takes to get healthy, or if I was just meant to be big my whole life.

My four-year-old son told me he wanted to go to the zoo. "I want to see the giraffes and the lions and the hippos. The hippos look just like you, Mommy." Oh, sweet innocence - he had no idea that he was saying something hurtful. He was calling it like he saw it, no malice intended, yet the hurt was still there.

Last week was a huge event for Valor Publishing - we released Mark Shurtleff's new novel, "Am I Not a Man: The Dred Scott Story." I got a new blouse for the occasion and thought I looked pretty cute, until I saw some of the pictures from the event.

I don't even know who that person is. I feel like my spirit and my body are completely unconnected, like my spirit is driving around in some old clunker car that keeps breaking down.

I want my outsides to match my insides. I want to look like the professional I am. (Well, sometimes I'm a professional - other times, I'm a goofball.) I want to feel like I'm being taken seriously. I want to be healthy, and the only person stopping me from doing that is me.

So, expect to hear a lot from me. I'll probably whine and complain a lot. Please leave me nice, friendly comments cheering me on. Something has got to give. I can't continue on this way. I just can't do it.


ali said...

Here's a nice, friendly comment for ya Tristi :)

I think you're beautiful. You always have a smile ready for everyone and a kind word to say. THAT makes you beautiful.

However, I also totally know what you mean about your spirit matching your outsides. I feel the same way. I looked at the pics of myself from last week and thought the same thing as you. This is not the ME I think of as ME when I think of myself.


I do believe we can do it.

Jenn Wilks said...

Awwwww, Tristi! (((HUGS)))

I agree with Ali on all counts - you're an amazing person and I love being around you. You're so fun and full of energy.

I also can relate perfectly to all of your feelings of frustration. I've had that exact experience of thinking I looked good and then catching sight of myself in a mirror or in a photo and feeling totally deflated.

Good luck to you!! Feel free to whine and cry and complain as much as you need to! I'll try to post more often, too, whether I'm doing well or not. Come on, we can do this together!

Marta O. Smith said...

Hmmm. I left a comment here earlier, but it seems to have disappeared. Darn computer gremlins!

But anyway, keep going, Tristi! You can do this! It's hard and it's going to take a while, but you are SO worth it.

I'm going to get this Wii internet buddy thing figured out, and we can be virtual workout partners, okay?