Fundamental Flaws

They say that if you can get at the root of your emotional problems and solve them, the temptation to make yourself feel better with food will go away. I spent some time doing that, trying to figure out how to feel better emotionally so I wouldn't want to eat foods that are unhealthy. Then I realized there are just some things I might not ever be able to fully heal from. In fact, a few months ago I got up in the middle of the night and bawled my eyes out over my parents' divorce, which happened when I was thirteen. Some emotions are there, on some level or another, forever. We can deal with them as they pop up, but to totally resolve them might not be possible.

And then, how do you deal with the stressful things that happen on a day to day basis? I was dealt a couple of really bad pieces of news this week. I can't go into them, as there are other people involved, but after getting two extremely bad pieces of news in one day, I ordered pizza for dinner, send the hubby out for chocolate, and stayed up all night watching DVDs. I just couldn't handle it. I had to hunker down and feel sorry for myself for a while.

I'm very much like the poem that reads:

I'll lay me down and bleed awhile
Then rise and fight again.

I can fight and fight and fight, expending my faith and strength and energy, but at some point, the pressure becomes too much and I have to retreat and feel really sorry for myself for a couple of hours. Then I get up and keep fighting. If I don't have that downtime, I can't keep fighting. I've tried not giving in to the temptation to have a good sulk, but it's like I have to pull back and regroup. Generally I do that by going to bed and crying my eyes out for two hours. This time, I didn't go to bed and I didn't cry, but I ate pizza and chocolate. Not as much pizza as I could have and not as much chocolate as I could have (there were leftovers of both the next day) but I did eat them. And then I wondered why I was so weak. And then I realized that I had been strong for so long that I couldn't do it any more without something giving way. I don't mean strong with my diet and exercise ... that hasn't been going well .. but strong emotionally. I've had my walls up for so long that something, somewhere, had to give.

I'm rambling ... nothing like stream of consciousness blogging. But the point being, I don't know how to deal with my emotions in a way that keeps me from wanting food. When the emotion hits, it drains me, and I instantly crave protein and sugar to get me back up. I've tried healthier versions of both, and they just don't pull me back like the "real" stuff.

I can diet as long as life remains stable. But lately, it's been thing after thing after thing, hitting from all directions, and I have to keep a strong face so that others around me can keep their strong faces, too. I can be strong in so many different ways ... but why can't I be strong enough to take the blows without heading for the food?